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Post by Deleted on Mar 1, 2016 9:32:59 GMT -5
My six year old son was sulking as we walked to the bus stop this morning. When I asked him what was the matter he responded, "I'm just thinking about all my family who have died." He then proceeded to list off all the family that he has known who have passed away in the last say 3 or 4 years.
This is a great reminder to me that depression can be felt by those who we think are the most immune to it, children. My son will be alright. This comes up from time to time with him. He has the most incredible memory I've ever seen. I am grateful that he is willing to talk about these things.
To everyone who might be struggling in this way I'd like to let you know that I'm here for you. Feel free to rant to me if need be. Don't keep such things to yourself. You'll be surprised how much people around you genuinely care for you and your well being.
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Post by batfink30 on Mar 1, 2016 10:25:51 GMT -5
My six year old son was sulking as we walked to the bus stop this morning. When I asked him what was the matter he responded, "I'm just thinking about all my family who have died." He then proceeded to list off all the family that he has known who have passed away in the last say 3 or 4 years. This is a great reminder to me that depression can be felt by those who we think are the most immune to it, children. My son will be alright. This comes up from time to time with him. He has the most incredible memory I've ever seen. I am grateful that he is willing to talk about these things. To everyone who might be struggling in this way I'd like to let you know that I'm here for you. Feel free to rant to me if need be. Don't keep such things to yourself. You'll be surprised how much people around you genuinely care for you and your well being. My depression started when I was 6 or 7. It's a scary thought to think our children can get depressed or suffer from mental illness.
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Post by mystoryisgory on Mar 7, 2016 21:20:20 GMT -5
Hey dyinglight94, you ok man? Done anything fun lately? Talked to anyone about your situation? Called tomlivesforever yet? Just checking cause it's been a while since you posted.
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Post by idleroses on Mar 8, 2016 7:24:19 GMT -5
I hope everyone who's having a rough time at the moment is coping and surviving.
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Mar 8, 2016 18:15:41 GMT -5
2 weeks into treatment my parents decided I can't come home because "it didn't work last time." And 3 weeks later (I'm now 5 weeks into treatment), and I'm still furious. Totally abandoned. Total despair. Total self-destruction. And total no desire for recovery or life. Hopeless and helpless, and so terribly fucked. Disillusioned. And all but given up. Fuck everything, and fucked everyone. The end seems nigh.
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Post by boneheadsbolero on Mar 8, 2016 19:47:36 GMT -5
Dear Beady
Do try and cheer up. Things could be worse. You could be Liam, writing embarrassing tweets that give off the impression of a guy with a single digit IQ. Along with me you're the most consistently interesting poster on this site. I like you. You've been blessed with the gift of humor. If you disappeared I'd probably leave too. I'm just a goofy semi-newbie of sorts around here but you're kind of a legend in these parts. With Kalas now gone and probably killed in a bar fight you're the franchise, buddy. Don't give up. Don't give in. Stick around. Do it for me. I'm worth it.
AND SO TOO ARE YOU!
Now fuck off for a bit and come up with a "classically you" thread that makes me laugh.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 8, 2016 20:02:23 GMT -5
2 weeks into treatment my parents decided I can't come home because "it didn't work last time." And 3 weeks later (I'm now 5 weeks into treatment), and I'm still furious. Totally abandoned. Total despair. Total self-destruction. And total no desire for recovery or life. Hopeless and helpless, and so terribly fucked. Disillusioned. And all but given up. Fuck everything, and fucked everyone. The end seems nigh. not even close. you are one tough son of a bitch and we won't have that kind of talk here. steady as she goes. persevere my friend. stay on. to the OP i'm so sorry i just now saw this post after all this time, i don't know where to start but it's all pretty much been said on these three pages. i have a heavy heart after reading thru these posts and man i thought i was having a bad day. 'the fuck am i complaining about?
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Mar 8, 2016 22:18:31 GMT -5
2 weeks into treatment my parents decided I can't come home because "it didn't work last time." And 3 weeks later (I'm now 5 weeks into treatment), and I'm still furious. Totally abandoned. Total despair. Total self-destruction. And total no desire for recovery or life. Hopeless and helpless, and so terribly fucked. Disillusioned. And all but given up. Fuck everything, and fucked everyone. The end seems nigh. not even close. you are one tough son of a bitch and we won't have that kind of talk here. steady as she goes. persevere my friend. stay on. to the OP i'm so sorry i just now saw this post after all this time, i don't know where to start but it's all pretty much been said on these three pages. i have a heavy heart after reading thru these posts and man i thought i was having a bad day. 'the fuck am i complaining about? Your problems are just as serious because they are affecting you. Comparisons to other people or other situations may help put things into perspective a bit, sure, but it doesn't take away from what you are experiencing or going through, either.
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Post by mystoryisgory on Mar 9, 2016 12:21:06 GMT -5
I'm sorry to hear that, Beady’s Here Now. It might be easy for us to say that it should be easy to go through treatment, but the truth is, it's extremely difficult for anyone to change their lifestyle. Right now I know I'm eating too much, and for me to all of a sudden reduce my meal portions hurts like fuck. I imagine it must feel similarly in the opposite direction. But remember, you've got the forum behind you! You've been on here for like, over 10 years? You must have made a lot of friends in your time here. You're never alone! And I'll admit, I feel a lot closer to you than to most on here. Must be your lovably dorky personality, yer twat. But just know, everything's gonna be fine. Just take this lesson from U.S. politics: when everyone stops being stubborn and try to find a solution, great things are achieved. And with determination and a change of mindset, you're gonna get out of treatment hell and become as healthy as you possibly can be.
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Post by Flatulence Panic on Mar 18, 2016 15:44:34 GMT -5
We are all depressed as a nation. Society has been reduced to base, guttural knee jerk reactions. There is no art anymore. Culture is now insipid. No pill is going to cure that. The only thing that helps me is cigarettes and alcohol, like the song... Oasis is the only art that produces hope.
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Post by dyinglight94 on Mar 19, 2016 19:38:06 GMT -5
Hey. I guess I haven’t updated this in a while. To be fair, I’ve probably put it back whilst I’m on here. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know where to start, or simply because I couldn’t be arsed. Anyway, I guess I’ll provide an update on myself now if it’s alright. I wouldn’t blame you all if you didn’t care ha, but I guess I sort of need to reflect a bit too. Things are still pretty much the same for me. I’m still alone, socially isolated, incredibly depressed, still on medication (as I have been for a few years), friendless, and just very suicidal. I’m not sure where to begin, so I’ll begin by new year. Back in January, I decided to try to break out of my social anxiety and travel by train to Belfast (40+ miles away) by myself to see a Belfast local band play (I’d listened to them a few times, so decided to see them what they were like). I spotted a drug dealer outside, and relapsed. Only this time, I took a drug I’d never taken before – cocaine. I somehow got dragged to a house party in Lisburn in a drugged up state, with a drug dealer I didn’t even know, and filled with people I didn’t even know. I very, very, very rarely drink alcohol, so what could I do at a house party in a city I had no idea where I was at, especially on drugs. My mother had been ringing me frantically, wondering where I was at. I woke up in Belfast the next morning, on a bench. I basically slept on the street. Of course, I had probably puked up beforehand, as there was vomit everywhere. I have no idea how I ended up in Belfast again. I have hardly any recollection of that night. My mother of course back (40+ miles home) was absolutely furious, as you could imagine. She nearly called the police, and would have if I didn’t call home from a pay phone. I’d lied that my battery on my phone had died, had accidentally bought a single ticket to Belfast rather than a return, had no money left, and couldn’t find a phone anywhere. (Of course, this raised suspicions – so I told her the truth, aside from taking cocaine. She still doesn’t know about that, and I’d prefer if it was kept that way. I said I got drunk instead). I was immediately taken back into counselling after this, where I’ve told the truth about everything. I just want to die, and kind of intended to that night. By late January, I’d resorted back to self-harming. I haven’t self-harmed since the first week of February. Counselling has been going okay, but it doesn’t really deal much with social isolation and being friendless. I’ve also recently been diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which would explain some erratic behaviour and such in the past. I’m still coming to terms that I have this condition, and always will for as long as I live. That means that I suffer from bipolar disorder, clinical depression, social isolation, social anxiety, and having a boring life. I guess I must have pissed someone off in a past life. I had a really cool night just a few weeks ago though. I went by myself to Belfast again to see Wolf Alice play. I met the band outside afterwards, which was pretty cool, although awkward as people who also met them noticed I was on my own. It was very random, as I was waiting for my father to pick me up, and there they were at the outside side of the venue. Ellie and the rest of the band are absolutely lovely. Her and Joel hugged me, and all the band signed my ticket. The lead singer from the support band Spies was there too. I was way too ecstatic to ask for a photo, but for a friendless guy like me, it really made my night, and brought a rare smile to my face. Despite having no friends, I do have one person who I’d speak to online. Her name is Niamh (who I met on twitter/instagram and got speaking to her. I'm dyinglight94 on there. Cheap plug ha). I’ve met her once, when she visited Belfast, and I travelled 40+ miles to see her. She’s from London, and a good person. I’m not sure that she’d fit it in these parts, as she’s a bit ‘emo’ (y’know, that fashion stuff ha) if that makes sense, but I like to think that in some/most cases like this, I’m quite accepting – as long as you have a great music taste haha! We’ve kept in contact since early 2015, and have agreed to go and see The Stone Roses together down south in Ireland in Dublin. The plan is/was (I’ll get to the ‘was’ bit soon) to travel by train 40+ miles down to Belfast, get a coach from there to Marlay Park in Dublin, see the Stones, and then get the coach back, and then my father would pick us up, and then we’d travel back to my house in the shitehole deadbeat of a town/area I live in. She was set to stay for 4-5 nights. However, there’s been a bump, which I feel I have to type about. She has a boyfriend who lives in the Middlesbrough area of England. His name is Kurt, and is a bit of a goth. I’m not into that stuff, so wouldn’t know what he’s into ha. I think they’re in long-distance type of thing. Ever since he found out about me and my history of drugs/self-harm and such, Niamh has been very distance from me. I confronted Kurt online about this, and long story short – he pretty much despises me, whilst Niamh has distanced herself from me. From speaking to Niamh everyday, she now seems to be ignoring any messages I’ve sent her – making me feel so much more socially isolated. I have no one at all to talk to. I don’t really blame her though to be fair, I wouldn’t want to know anyone like me either. I just don’t know if I’ll see the Stones now, but I guess I’ll see. I’m failing at my part-time college course at the moment, but after negotiating with my tutor via email, I’m trying to get back on track with it, but my motivation is so low. I’m also attempting to find a job, and I’m looking online and in the papers and such every single day. Me and my older brother are kind of distance at the moment, due to the fact that he doesn't seem to bother me with ever since he got into a relationship, so I'm lonely too there, despite the fact that my mother challenged him about it. I don't think I'd ever get into a relationship, which is sad in a way. I'll probably die a virgin ha, although life fucks us all as a certain musician once said. I also made a facebook for the first time since 2009, just to add family members. Somehow old faces from high school found me, and it makes me angry that they send 'friend requests', despite what they did to me. Granted, the very few I've accepted I didn't find them the worst back then (although I haven't seen them in 5 years), but it made me sad that they don't see the hurt they caused me. It’s just so hard and difficult being me. I feel selfish a lot as this is nothing compared to what folk in Syria and the like are going through. I just feel as if I want to die everyday of every second, and I’m just so alone, so house-bound, like a prisoner, only with a bit more luxury. I just wish I had a friend, and I’m at the stage where I’d even pay money just to have one, someone to be there for me, take an interest in me, talk to me, hang out with me, make me a part of their life, etc. I’m so alone. I’ve been crying myself to sleep as usual recently, but I’m trying to stop that despite it being difficult. I just sit in my room the majority of the day, just contemplating. Whilst I cry typing this and realising how much of a moaning twat I sound like, I’m just randomly playing my acoustic guitar, just wondering if I can hold on for much longer. I just don't know anymore. I don't know if I can hold on. Thanks for hearing me out. P.s. I apologise for my last post on here. I was desperate, and was in the heat of the moment. I’m sorry to anyone who may have been upset about it, but don’t fret – it’s only me ha.
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Post by mystoryisgory on Mar 20, 2016 1:49:29 GMT -5
Hey there dyinglight94! Don't worry about Niamh. She obviously has a jealous boyfriend too protective of her. The joke's on him, because nobody wants a controlling boyfriend, and the relationship is not gonna last long. One thing I can suggest to you is that you get out more. Easier said than done, I know, but once you go try something new, you always feel better about yourself! What do you like to do? Maybe you could try eating at a restaurant you've never been to? Or visiting a local museum? The possibilities are endless! You'll have something to do, and you'll feel freer and more in control of yourself. It takes a little courage, but once you do it, you'll be proud of what you've accomplished. The truth is, we've all been down your route. We may be different in appearance, nationality, culture, but one thing that unites all of us is the shared experience of depression. It affects everyone. Don't despair! You've got friends on here, and we'll support you if you need help! C'mon and smile a bit!
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Post by standingontheedge on Mar 20, 2016 2:29:58 GMT -5
I feel like I don't really have anything to tell you other than cliches, but I suppose they're better than nothing.
While you've got a shot at happiness you've gotta fight for it with everything you have. Don't give up just because it'd be easier.
When I'm really miserable I usually dedicate myself to helping someone else, even if I can't help myself. That way I can say that even if I were to die a sad and meaningless death, at least I'd tried to make a positive impact, at least I'd put my energy into something good in the time I had. That thought gives me a lot of strength when I'm down. It makes the struggle meaningful and honorable to me.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 20, 2016 11:39:41 GMT -5
Hi dyinglight94 ! I've read the last post you made on here. If there's one thing I can say, it's: don't despair ! Try to see the positive things in your life. For instance, the fact you can play guitar: how many people would like to know how to play an instrument ? So many, I can tell you !
Also, try to forget the past. It's very hard, I know, cos' the past is the only point of reference we have, the only thing we're sure of because it's already happened. But, the things can change. If you can't forget, try at least to accept it, to tell to yourself: "I was here yesterday, but I will be there tomorrow". Fix yourself objectives, as small as they are, just to project yourself into something. Have you ever tried to write songs ? I can say it helped me a lot during the bad times, and it is still something that help me today or,at least, that gives me some pleasure.
About the girl, don't worry. If she keeps ignoring you, just try to talk to somebody else, an other girl. I'm sure you have a lot of passions, and everyone that has a passion can be interesting to someone else. There's no reason people, girls can judge you uninteresting. Don't put them on a piedestal, we all have our defaults, our qualities. Having a lot of friends, don't mean that you're a good person. The best is to have friends that are important for you, that could help you, that could make you happy and there's absolutely no reason you can't have this kind of friends. Try new things, take all the positives things in your life because I can assume you have a full life of surprises, great moments in front of you.
Best wishes for you !
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Post by smash on Mar 20, 2016 13:13:34 GMT -5
Hi dyinglight94,
Thanks for sharing, and I see some positive things in your post: you made a pal (even if it didn't stick), you set goals to go see some music (and went, even if it ended up with a night of excess, which isn't great but you are young and realize that), you have a relationship with your mom and dad (which not everyone has), you have been seeing a counselor, and you are active on social media. That is all good stuff.
And even if there are ongoing issues, the thing is - you're trying. You may not see it, but those of us who read your update can see that, despite those mental obstacles, there is a piece of you that wants to live. A piece of you that wants friends, and music, and normalcy.
So, to all that I say - soldier on. Try to make another friend - you may not realize it, but even those of us who aren't burdened by depression sometimes find it hard to find friends. It's great when you do. Think beyond people your age - I go back to the suggestion others have had about being of service for others. If you are unsure what to do with yourself, be of service to others. Volunteer for seniors - let me tell you, those folks have great stories and age brings a wonderful capacity for understanding and empathy - do that and you'll have friends and people looking forward to seeing you. Or volunteer for a group of people with Downs Syndrome - you'll never meet a less judgemental group, they will be thrilled when you come to be with them - very loving people. Or do something else. Eventually you can start adding in things that are more to your interest and age group, but starting to get some socialization chops within groups that are ultra accepting might be a good way to go. It will get you out, get you busy, and give you social context.
Take it day by day. And keep reporting back - we're listening!
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Post by Mean Mrs. Mustard on Mar 20, 2016 13:29:20 GMT -5
^ That is a wonderful post, smash
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Post by Flatulence Panic on Mar 20, 2016 15:42:51 GMT -5
This thread is really interesting, makes you think about how varied different cultures are when it comes to talking about depression. Where I come from, it isn't stigmatised - but talking about your own depression is seen as deeply embarrassing, cringeworthy and an obvious attempt at gaining attention. Of course, it is all those things, but so is talking about anything else, so I don't see why this is singled out. I think it's quite funny how all anyone wants is to get a stable ego by whatever conversation they like - but rather than just have an ego-orgy, there's lots of unwritten rules about how to talk and act in order to get it. We're all very, very repressed I think. Anyway, it might be therapeutic to write down all the stuff in my head though, and I guess this is the place. Plus, I'm extremely egotistical and have some history homework that I really don't want to do. If at all you don't like self-indulgent, narcissistic whinging, feel free to go and engage in some other activity more suited to your particular pleasure zone. Basically, I have a kind of split personality. I'm very popular at school, but it's not really me - more of a montage of practiced social routines based on various other people's speech patterns, wit, etc... From the age of about twelve, I've spent most of my time alone and without really ever noticing, playing out conversations with other people, acting as both me and them. Again, without really being aware of it, I practice how to laugh at various jokes they might say, how to flirt, how to draw attention away from my weaknesses, with a whole cast of characters. I can spend hours in completely fictional conversations, anticipating what people will say to me when I speak to them and how I will respond. I'm really good at it now, and I'm able to come across as extremely charismatic and at ease in public - I actually even feel comfortable talking to people at school, but it's really as if I'm not really there. Like I'm watching or in a dream. It's not totally pleasant, though, because I also feel kind of sickened talking to them - it's like I already know what they're going to say and how I'm going to respond. It seems like none of us are really there, just reflex arcs that respond to certain social stimuluses in ways that give the impression of life. I have a kind of repressed anger at everyone else, partly because they all seem so happy to be so boring, and partly because I really wish I was too. This means I can be quite cruel to some people if I get comfortable enough with them, especially my mother - who I'm sure we'll come back to soon in this run down of a fucking nutter. I don't feel very empathetic and I don't know how normal this is. I don't really care when other people's family die, or when there's a disaster on the news, and stuff like that. Again, I don't know if this is common or not. So I don't really know what I'm like. I don't know if I have depression or not. I do self-harm, but not often. I do cry, but not often. Most of the time, I just unknowingly try and forget I exist by not talking to anyone, reading, listening to music, eating, and...other pleasures one might expect from a teenage boy. Sometimes I realise what I'm doing and then I definitely get depressed. The worst case was a while ago - when I quit this forum, actually - as I had started to self-harm regularly and have suicidal thoughts. This never really lasts for more than a few weeks though, and soon I just go back to forgetting I'm there. I have a weird relationship with my parents - I'm an only child so have always been quite spoiled and got used to being the centre of attention when I was quite young. I'm still treated as a child quite a lot of the time, to an almost creepy degree. I'm overly attached to my mother, and spend quite a lot of time silently hugging her or lying with her. I think this is because I was a very, very happy child. I was utterly fine until about 12, when suddenly all my confidence collapsed and I stopped socialising completely (I mean completely. I haven't talked to anyone outside of school since then). I don't know if I'm scared of being an adult because of this, or whether it happened because I'm scared of being an adult. I suspect the latter. Thats pretty much it, I think. I can't wait for when I'm 18 and all is this is validated. Until then, it's just teenage angst.School is hard. Give it ten years though and the issues you have at school will be nothing. I wish someone would have told me that. Sorry if that is not helpful but it's cold hard reality.
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Post by dyinglight94 on Mar 23, 2016 19:17:56 GMT -5
Well, things really hit a head. The past couple of days between me and Niamh have turned really sour. I asked Niamh via WhatsApp if she still wanted to know me, but she told me to 'fuck off'. She then ignored all my messages. I've told her I could commit suicide if she isn’t by my side to be there for me. I really mean that. I’m just so lonely, and she’s my only friend. I even contacted her friend San to see why she wasn’t speaking, and she replied that she didn’t know. Anyway, this morning, she’s blocked me on all social media. Her boyfriend texted me from her phone, calling me a ‘blackmailing lowlife’ (apparently I've tried blackmailing her to speak to me, according to him), ‘a vagina’, 'someone who should die already', and ‘a silly junkie’. He told me to ‘cry him a river’, and that I’m a ‘lazy fuck’ for not being able to change my life, relying on Niamh, ‘bringing her down’, and accusing me of faking some problems, and ‘not even trying to get friends’. Anyway, I guess she doesn’t want to know me anymore. I’ve cried and had 2 separate panic attacks about it all. Looks like money on the Roses tickets may be wasted ha, but that's not the point. I don't even have a close friend in the World now. I'm totally friendless. Tonight, I just want to die. I mean that. I don't know anymore. I really don't.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 23, 2016 19:52:33 GMT -5
Well, things really hit a head. The past couple of days between me and Niamh have turned really sour. I asked Niamh via WhatsApp if she still wanted to know me, but she told me to 'fuck off'. She then ignored all my messages. I've told her I could commit suicide if she isn’t by my side to be there for me. I really mean that. I’m just so lonely, and she’s my only friend. I even contacted her friend San to see why she wasn’t speaking, and she replied that she didn’t know. Anyway, this morning, she’s blocked me on all social media. Her boyfriend texted me from her phone, calling me a ‘blackmailing lowlife’ (apparently I've tried blackmailing her to speak to me, according to him), ‘a vagina’, 'someone who should die already', and ‘a silly junkie’. He told me to ‘cry him a river’, and that I’m a ‘lazy fuck’ for not being able to change my life, relying on Niamh, ‘bringing her down’, and accusing me of faking some problems, and ‘not even trying to get friends’. Anyway, I guess she doesn’t want to know me anymore. I’ve cried and had 2 separate panic attacks about it all. Looks like money on the Roses tickets may be wasted ha, but that's not the point. I don't even have a close friend in the World now. I'm totally friendless. Tonight, I just want to die. I mean that. I don't know anymore. I really don't. Dude, please don't do anything rash. I've been where you've been more than once, and I've attempted what you want to twice. Social isolation and depression are unfortunately things that may never go away. Friendships will sometimes sour and people who you once cared about will break your heart to the point where you'll go down the path of self destruction. But things WILL get better. And this may seem like it's one of those "it's easy for you to say" deals but trust me, I know. About two years ago now, I had my heart broken by one of the only girls I've ever truly loved, I lost all my friends and developed somewhat of a problem with alcohol and pain killers. Eventually it led to me wanting to end it all, which failed thankfully. After that I had a moment of clarity, decided to make something of myself, worked my ass off in college and now I'm in university doing what I love and living with 2 of my best friends in the world. Sorry to ramble but the point I'm trying to make is no matter how bleak life can get, things could get better, and while I can't do anything about your situation, if you're ever feeling lonely and you want to shoot the shit about life or Oasis or whatever, I'm here. And I'd wager a lot of the good folk on here would do the same too. You're NEVER alone in this, mate.
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Post by tomlivesforever on Mar 23, 2016 20:18:44 GMT -5
Well, things really hit a head. The past couple of days between me and Niamh have turned really sour. I asked Niamh via WhatsApp if she still wanted to know me, but she told me to 'fuck off'. She then ignored all my messages. I've told her I could commit suicide if she isn’t by my side to be there for me. I really mean that. I’m just so lonely, and she’s my only friend. I even contacted her friend San to see why she wasn’t speaking, and she replied that she didn’t know. Anyway, this morning, she’s blocked me on all social media. Her boyfriend texted me from her phone, calling me a ‘blackmailing lowlife’ (apparently I've tried blackmailing her to speak to me, according to him), ‘a vagina’, 'someone who should die already', and ‘a silly junkie’. He told me to ‘cry him a river’, and that I’m a ‘lazy fuck’ for not being able to change my life, relying on Niamh, ‘bringing her down’, and accusing me of faking some problems, and ‘not even trying to get friends’. Anyway, I guess she doesn’t want to know me anymore. I’ve cried and had 2 separate panic attacks about it all. Looks like money on the Roses tickets may be wasted ha, but that's not the point. I don't even have a close friend in the World now. I'm totally friendless. Tonight, I just want to die. I mean that. I don't know anymore. I really don't. You aren't friendless. You know that mate.
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Post by underneaththesky on Mar 24, 2016 7:34:03 GMT -5
man, there's so much more than this girl. you deserve better, no matter how rude people can be. you play guitar? this changed my life. I mean, literally.
if you don't own a guitar/can't play, you only need to 1. Buy a guitar 2. Learn Live Forever. 3. Play Live Forever every day of your life.
that'll help a lot, trust me. we're better than all this shit happening to us.
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Post by dyinglight94 on Mar 27, 2016 18:43:54 GMT -5
Thank you for all the support. I never seeked it in the first place, but it's pretty cool. Thank you. It means a lot to someone like me.
As I've just sat crying for the past hour or so, I thought I'd probably make a wee post here. Obviously, I'm very lonely. Socially isolated even, as I've said before on previous times. I'm just thinking about how lonely I am, how isolated I am, how I'm failing at life (and my part-time college course ha - I don't know if/don't think I can catch up), how I'm going nowhere, how I'm a waster, how much of a disappointment I am. I'm considering self-harming again, but I'm trying not to. When I sit down with a cigarette, I just want to burn myself. I guess it's something I'm working on in counselling, but I need some sort of release. It's so hard. I'm very unhappy, and I can't change it - not here or within this/these situation(s). I can't ever be happy living like this, and there's no point going on if I have to live like this. I don't know. I look back and don't know how I've held on. All the suicide attempts, all the stuff I've been/continue to go through, the mental hospitals, everything - I don't know. I'm just not feeling it at all.
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Post by dyinglight94 on Mar 27, 2016 18:46:16 GMT -5
Well, things really hit a head. The past couple of days between me and Niamh have turned really sour. I asked Niamh via WhatsApp if she still wanted to know me, but she told me to 'fuck off'. She then ignored all my messages. I've told her I could commit suicide if she isn’t by my side to be there for me. I really mean that. I’m just so lonely, and she’s my only friend. I even contacted her friend San to see why she wasn’t speaking, and she replied that she didn’t know. Anyway, this morning, she’s blocked me on all social media. Her boyfriend texted me from her phone, calling me a ‘blackmailing lowlife’ (apparently I've tried blackmailing her to speak to me, according to him), ‘a vagina’, 'someone who should die already', and ‘a silly junkie’. He told me to ‘cry him a river’, and that I’m a ‘lazy fuck’ for not being able to change my life, relying on Niamh, ‘bringing her down’, and accusing me of faking some problems, and ‘not even trying to get friends’. Anyway, I guess she doesn’t want to know me anymore. I’ve cried and had 2 separate panic attacks about it all. Looks like money on the Roses tickets may be wasted ha, but that's not the point. I don't even have a close friend in the World now. I'm totally friendless. Tonight, I just want to die. I mean that. I don't know anymore. I really don't. You aren't friendless. You know that mate. I can't help but see that I am. I only know people online, and never met. I'm very house bound, and a hermit who doesn't matter much. Getting to know you through Facebook and all has been great. I do consider you a friend, Tom. It's hard to explain.
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Post by Aman on Apr 2, 2016 18:55:23 GMT -5
It'll be good for you to have a job, first and foremost I think.
At least it'll get you out of the house everyday, and it's a chance to meet new people too.
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Post by dyinglight94 on Apr 4, 2016 12:31:58 GMT -5
I guess so. It's hard around here, especially here. I had a temporary one before.
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