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Post by dyinglight94 on Mar 11, 2018 7:01:59 GMT -5
Maybe some of you might remember me. I made this thread ages ago. live4ever.proboards.com/thread/83344/depression-threadI guess the thread title explains itself. I've been feeling really suicidal the last couple of days, and just have no idea where to turn. For those that 'know' me on here, I guess I haven't been entirely truthful. Whilst I'm clinically depressed, friendless and socially isolated, and suffer from social anxiety disorder in real life and basically a house bound hermit who lives in a total shitehole town in Northern Ireland with a boring life, I guess I wasn't *totally* socially isolated. For the last two years or so, I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Scotland. We met through twitter through our similar music tastes, and I guess it hit off from there. It was very serious. I've flown over to meet her many times. I have so many good memories, which I'll probably never forget. Well, everything was going as normal. Good, the intimacy and such was there, and then we hit a brick wall. She's taken up a job at a local cafe, and works with a guy there. He's shown interest in her, constantly messages her, and such. I don't even know his name, because she wouldn't tell me. He's been taking her out for dinner, out for driving lessons, and so on. I found out that she didn't tell him about me, and I guess the pieces of the puzzle go together from there. She always got glammed up, said I had nothing to worry about as they didn't 'like' each other, and that I was being paranoid by basically 'accusing her of cheating'. After we argued for the last few days, we decided to go our separate ways. She sent me a text message, saying that it's all down to her education, and that she considers that her future (she's looking to head into politics), and that she can't handle this right now or for the foreseeable future. She said that she still loves me, and a part of her always will, and that she'll never forget me because I've given her so many amazing memories, 'we'll maybe cross paths again some day, who knows?' and that was that. She told me to delete her number, her pictures, memories, everything, and I told her to do the same, which she claimed she did. This morning though I got two texts from her asking to let her know if I was okay (due to my suicidal and self-harm history). I haven't replied, because quite frankly I'm not. The thing is too, we never once had sex. Yep, I'm still a 23 year old virgin. It was my first ever relationship. Whilst we done certain stuff sexually, we never did the proper deed. I've been considering self-harm again. I just don't see any reason to carry on. I have nothing in my life. I was planning on moving to Scotland in about 2 years, that was my aim. Now it's gone. I have no aim, no friends, no future, no life. I don't know what to do. I have a crappy 22 an hour week retail job, and that's it. The pain is very big right now. I've been up the whole night crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do next. Hell, I don't even know if this is a 'cry for attention' thread, I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. Last night I actually considered planning out a suicide attempt. I haven't done in a while, mainly because she kept me together. Considering I don't drink alcohol (just not my thing), I'm a friendless loner, and have specific interests that are probably out of the norm, I don't see myself ever having anyone else. I'm a mess right now, and don't know if I can carry on. I'm just so alone. Not even listening to Oasis feels the same anymore.
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Post by liveforever22 on Mar 11, 2018 7:19:16 GMT -5
Hey! Don't do anything bad, life changes fast, maybe in 6 months you will be in a totally different situation!! Do you remember problems you had when you were 18? They probably seem not so serious now. I will be the same I promise! You are heartbroken but it has happen to every human being on this planet, the pain will also fade away with time! There has to be a phone number for people who want to commit suicide! Call they will help and talk Please answer back here
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Post by mimmihopps on Mar 11, 2018 7:28:25 GMT -5
I do remember you. Don't do anything you might regret. I lost one of my family members by taking a life on its own in past and I can't tell you how we, those who left behind felt/feel and those guilty feeling we have to carry on for the rest of our lives.
We are all strangers on an internet forum, but we are here to listen to you. Don't give up your life!
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Post by mrose on Mar 11, 2018 7:45:34 GMT -5
Hello! I understand everything you're going through. I'm 22 I live at home I don't really go out, I lost all of my friends; I'm very much a hermit myself. Everything gets better though, we all have deep lows but try and look for the little things that can make you happy and be happy. I know when I would feel like you are now anything that made me happy I kind of forced myself to stop because I thought about how sad I was (Ifthat makes any sense). I work in retail as well and it's draining, you aren't allowed to show your upset and having to fake it is painful. What I started doing was forcing myself out of my comfort zone, going out and going places I usually wouldn't. First by myself and then I'd ask my sister or my mum to go with me. I started painting again and cooking, doing little things that make me proud or happy in the moment. It's amazing that you're writing out everything you're feeling because venting works, and even though I don't know you I do care about how you feel. It's not a "crying for attention" thread, if you're upset and you don't feel you have anyone to talk to there are tons of people here that will listen. If you drive I find driving and listening to music really helps, it clears my head. Or go for a walk on a sunny day, it's amazing what the sun can fix. If you ever need to vent I'll listen and try to help!! You aren't alone, It does get better.
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Post by playthehitsgetoff on Mar 11, 2018 7:48:15 GMT -5
Feel so sad for you reading your post. Long distance relationships are hard ones and only the lucky few work out. If this girl was or is the right one then you have to trust that fate will bring you together again if it's meant to be. You are very young still and whilst it all looks bleak now you have to try to keep it together. Do you have career asperations? Could you retrain maybe?
I have a sister in NI. Her son left NI to come here to England to go to uni..he now has a good job here and knws he wldnt have had the same opportunity job wise in NI.
You must seek some help..maybe see your GP who could refer you to a councillor?...talking with someone will help. Im sure the good folks here will try their best...keep talkin to us if it helps you. The clouds may seem blackend right now...but the sun will shine for you again...(((hugs)))
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Post by tatomoon on Mar 11, 2018 8:01:16 GMT -5
You have to go on. You're stronger than you think. You've barely lived a quarter of your life, please don't end it too soon. It's happened to too many people. I hope you come through the other side and know that there will always be people who will listen to you here.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 8:32:39 GMT -5
Hiya pal!
Listen you have every right to be feeling the way you do, I don't think anyone would think it was a cry for attention. Life can be so fucking cruel man this breaks my wee heart and my messages are always open, if you ever need it.
It's easy for me to say, but try to remember that just like the good times don't last forever, neither does the bad. Suicidal thoughts are normal and nothing to be ashamed of, especially after trauma in our lives like relationships ending suddenly. I promise that talking it all out, like you did in your post, makes all the difference.
I've looked up a suicide helpline in Northern Ireland for you if you feel like you can call it, then that's great and if not don't worry I just thought I'd look it up for you cause it can be hard to take that step. It's called lifeline and the number is 0808 808 8000 but am not sure how much it cost, sorry. It will be worth every penny though if you do call, as they are great and know what they're talking about and if it saves your life, then you can't put a price on that.
Hope you feel better soon pal and as a say, my messages and a lot of other people's on here are always open. No pressure. Take care of yourself xx
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Post by Elie De Beaufour 🐴 on Mar 11, 2018 9:12:48 GMT -5
I'm 31 and in a much worse place than you. Keep your head up
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Post by eva on Mar 11, 2018 10:31:54 GMT -5
hang in there, man. there are a lot of people who care for you. things will get better, it may not seem that way now but just try to focus on whatever makes you feel good. take care of yourself
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Post by As You Built The Moon on Mar 11, 2018 10:38:02 GMT -5
Hi,
I remember your thread. As it turns out, I'm in the process of taking a freelancing gig where I'm expected to write a short bio and I just wrote a diary entry expressing my fear of not having a good enough past to even write that bio. I won't spill it all out here, but I'm older than you and my list of accomplishments or lack thereof, both social and professional, is considerably more embarrassing than yours. But I've resolved to try anyway and see what I can say without outing myself as a "loser."
Listen, I get that it doesn't feel like it now, but 23 is still very young. You might be bringing up your age because you feel like you haven't met some quota of accomplishments and that proves your luck will never change. All I can do is tell you that just isn't true. Your past will stop dominating you as soon as you decide to only look ahead and move forward.
About the girlfriend ... let it hurt. Take all the time you need to grieve and don't feel ashamed of it. When you've indulged in that to the point of boredom, you'll be ready to move on. Maybe not to another girl, but move on to something.
I know what it's like to be treated as badly as you were in school, I know what it's like to be literally friendless as an adult, and I know what it's like to be suicidal. A few years ago I even bought a rope and learned how to tie a noose in case I finally decided to hang myself.
What helped me to keep those thoughts at bay was taking someone's advice, which was to just stop giving a fuck. Not in the sense of giving up on the future or not trying to better my situation, but rather to stop thinking that happiness is a thing to chase after. Don't let yourself think you'll be a happier person when you move out or lose your virginity. You can't depend on your circumstances because it doesn't work that way.
Just live for the point of experiencing life and stop giving a fuck. See what's out there in the world. When you go to work, do it to see if it's a good day or a bad one. When you go to a movie, don't read any reviews and just go to see if you'll like it or not. Next time you're happy about something, just say to yourself, "I like this. This is good for now." Because that's all it's good for; for now. Whatever's making you happy at the moment won't last, and you're okay knowing that, because you don't need to be happy. And when you're sad, you'll know that that isn't going to last forever either.
The other big thing that helps is knowing the difference between wanting to kill yourself and not wanting to live anymore the way you're living. I don't know you, but from reading your posts since you started that original thread, I don't think you want to kill yourself. But it sounds like you're just really tired. You don't want to go on living with the way things seem to have always been for you. I think you're desperate to stop the cycle, and you don't know how, but you feel like you'll do anything to get out of it even if it means taking your own life. If you feel that desperation, you don't want to kill yourself. You just want out. Use that desperation to motivate yourself and make your situation better. I know that seems to contradict what I said in the last paragraph, but you have to learn to really care for yourself along the way and know that happiness comes from within.
If all else fails and you still need a mental wall to keep you from suicide, just know that the great majority of suicide attempts fail. Even if you succeed, any method you can think of, no matter how painless it seems, is going to hurt. Badly. Your body was made to fight anything that tries to kill you, including yourself. And you'll almost invariably leave some poor soul with a terrible mess to clean up, your loved ones investigated for foul play, not to mention the trauma you'll cause whoever finds your body. But more likely than that, you end up in a hospital with some horrible injury to live through on top of whatever you were trying to escape from. You might even be incapacitated. Maybe you're like me when I feel this way and you think it's unfair to be forced to live a life you no longer want, but that's our situation.
I believe you can change your life into something more bearable because you're still very young and from what you've said, I don't think you're in a situation where you're immobile or in prison or anything that's keeping you stuck. Finances might be holding you back, but that can always change. And if things don't change, at least try to stay focused on just living. You don't need happiness all the time, just appreciate it when it's there.
If you can be encouraged to seek help, I encourage it. It's better for you to get professional help, but if you just want unprofessional help, PM me or come back here and tell us what's going on. Or if something's going on that's too personal to share with others ... as I mentioned, I keep a personal diary that I write to every day. I have it in Google Docs so I can get to it any time from any device. It's like having someone to talk to at all times and not having any reason to worry about what they might think, because you're talking to a computer. So maybe that would help you.
Wow, I just looked at your old thread and it's a year older than I thought it was. Glad you've stayed with us. Take care.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 14:26:31 GMT -5
What I would say is try to write down goals for each day that you want to achieve. Try and go running or do some form of exercise each day in the morning, it will make you feel loads better. Things will get better if you stay positive.
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Post by mystoryisgory on Mar 12, 2018 0:26:54 GMT -5
Don't despair, dyinglight. I do remember your post from over two years ago and I've wondered if things have gotten better for you. And even if they haven't know that they will. Even if it takes years. I don't have much to add to what everyone else has already said, but please know that it was not unreasonable of you to ask your ex-girlfriend about the guy who was interested in her. If you're in a committed relationship, and she's all of sudden spending so much time with someone who very clearly likes her, doesn't tell you about him, and brushes aside your concerns, it reflects very poorly on her. It's nothing to be ashamed of to have asked her about what was really going on. Nor would it be unreasonable to ask her to cut off contact with him. Please don't blame yourself for insisting that she stay committed to you, after all, that's what she's supposed to be doing. Stay strong. You're gonna get through this.
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Post by funhouse on Mar 12, 2018 3:36:53 GMT -5
Didn't know if I should say something because all that needs to be said has kind of already been said by others, but just know that there will always be people who care and want the best for you, even if they don't know you. It may not feel like that at all times, but that is simply the truth. There is kindness in the world.
I relate to a lot of the things you say. I'm not depressed other than the few times when I can't distract myself from the reality of my situation , but I'm isolated, friendless and clueless about my future. My reasons for being isolated are different than yours, but I can definitely relate. You're not alone, and I am positive that you can turn this around.
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Post by globe on Mar 12, 2018 4:03:21 GMT -5
Maybe some of you might remember me. I made this thread ages ago. live4ever.proboards.com/thread/83344/depression-threadI guess the thread title explains itself. I've been feeling really suicidal the last couple of days, and just have no idea where to turn. For those that 'know' me on here, I guess I haven't been entirely truthful. Whilst I'm clinically depressed, friendless and socially isolated, and suffer from social anxiety disorder in real life and basically a house bound hermit who lives in a total shitehole town in Northern Ireland with a boring life, I guess I wasn't *totally* socially isolated. For the last two years or so, I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Scotland. We met through twitter through our similar music tastes, and I guess it hit off from there. It was very serious. I've flown over to meet her many times. I have so many good memories, which I'll probably never forget. Well, everything was going as normal. Good, the intimacy and such was there, and then we hit a brick wall. She's taken up a job at a local cafe, and works with a guy there. He's shown interest in her, constantly messages her, and such. I don't even know his name, because she wouldn't tell me. He's been taking her out for dinner, out for driving lessons, and so on. I found out that she didn't tell him about me, and I guess the pieces of the puzzle go together from there. She always got glammed up, said I had nothing to worry about as they didn't 'like' each other, and that I was being paranoid by basically 'accusing her of cheating'. After we argued for the last few days, we decided to go our separate ways. She sent me a text message, saying that it's all down to her education, and that she considers that her future (she's looking to head into politics), and that she can't handle this right now or for the foreseeable future. She said that she still loves me, and a part of her always will, and that she'll never forget me because I've given her so many amazing memories, 'we'll maybe cross paths again some day, who knows?' and that was that. She told me to delete her number, her pictures, memories, everything, and I told her to do the same, which she claimed she did. This morning though I got two texts from her asking to let her know if I was okay (due to my suicidal and self-harm history). I haven't replied, because quite frankly I'm not. The thing is too, we never once had sex. Yep, I'm still a 23 year old virgin. It was my first ever relationship. Whilst we done certain stuff sexually, we never did the proper deed. I've been considering self-harm again. I just don't see any reason to carry on. I have nothing in my life. I was planning on moving to Scotland in about 2 years, that was my aim. Now it's gone. I have no aim, no friends, no future, no life. I don't know what to do. I have a crappy 22 an hour week retail job, and that's it. The pain is very big right now. I've been up the whole night crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do next. Hell, I don't even know if this is a 'cry for attention' thread, I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. Last night I actually considered planning out a suicide attempt. I haven't done in a while, mainly because she kept me together. Considering I don't drink alcohol (just not my thing), I'm a friendless loner, and have specific interests that are probably out of the norm, I don't see myself ever having anyone else. I'm a mess right now, and don't know if I can carry on. I'm just so alone. Not even listening to Oasis feels the same anymore. Hi mate, I remember your post. Others have summed things up here much better than I can. I stand by what I said in the original thread you posted a few years back: Take up running. Seriously, it will change your life. Even if it is not running, do you do any kind of physical exercise? I promise it can make you feel so much better about yourself and life in general. Don't worry about being a virgin at 23, honestly that means absolutely fuck all in the grand scheme of things, I can assure you. Anyway, if you ever want a blether about things, feel free to PM me.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 6:36:57 GMT -5
Other people have said lots of good things already. Exercising might help and I felt like my life got better during the period I started going to the gym (maybe just a coincidence).
I've been struggling with lots of things you've described. I'm a fucking loner, I've got social anxiety, etc, etc. and never in my life I've felt "normal".
Even though I still kinda struggle with this stuff, two things have helped massively.
First thing was music, this might sound weird but certain artists and songs make me kind of proud to be what I am. I've realised there are lots of people who struggle with the same things and many people found help from music. The Smiths, The Verve and even Oasis all have relatable lyrics and it's the reason I want to keep going.
Music also made my social circles wider because I'm the kind of person who goes all in with my interests so in a few years I've managed to gather lots of knowledge and this has helped me to socialise with new people because I can finally talk about subjects that I find interesting, and probably for the first time in my life I can talk with girls because they might like the same kind of musix I do.
2nd thing is alcohol. I read that you don't like it and it's fine since it's a toxic substance after all. I've got social anxiety to the point that I can't relax in social situations at all, I might've ADD too (self-diagnosis). Alcohol makes me calm and relaxed so I don't fear those situations anymore. But then again, I fear it might become a problem and I should probably get real help instead of blocking it with drinks.
Anyway, I wish you good luck for your life. Just keep going, start exercising or something and I'm sure your life will get better turn at some point.
Luckily I don't know what real depression is, but from what I've read it can be very strong. If you can fight against your suicidal thoughts you're probably stronger than most of us here. Just try to stay positive mate.
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Post by meanstreak on Mar 13, 2018 18:34:31 GMT -5
I'm going to go out on a slight limb here and point you in the direction of this answer I wrote on Quora, despite the fact that I chose to write it anonymously. Please understand there will be dozens of people who feel the same way as I describe here. Anyone of them would love to help you, in any way they can. You just need to to ask. If they aren't enough then ask another. I'm telling you the truth about this. qr.ae/TU8fmC
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Post by tomlivesforever on Mar 13, 2018 19:34:37 GMT -5
Maybe some of you might remember me. I made this thread ages ago. live4ever.proboards.com/thread/83344/depression-threadI guess the thread title explains itself. I've been feeling really suicidal the last couple of days, and just have no idea where to turn. For those that 'know' me on here, I guess I haven't been entirely truthful. Whilst I'm clinically depressed, friendless and socially isolated, and suffer from social anxiety disorder in real life and basically a house bound hermit who lives in a total shitehole town in Northern Ireland with a boring life, I guess I wasn't *totally* socially isolated. For the last two years or so, I've been in a long distance relationship with a girl who lives in Scotland. We met through twitter through our similar music tastes, and I guess it hit off from there. It was very serious. I've flown over to meet her many times. I have so many good memories, which I'll probably never forget. Well, everything was going as normal. Good, the intimacy and such was there, and then we hit a brick wall. She's taken up a job at a local cafe, and works with a guy there. He's shown interest in her, constantly messages her, and such. I don't even know his name, because she wouldn't tell me. He's been taking her out for dinner, out for driving lessons, and so on. I found out that she didn't tell him about me, and I guess the pieces of the puzzle go together from there. She always got glammed up, said I had nothing to worry about as they didn't 'like' each other, and that I was being paranoid by basically 'accusing her of cheating'. After we argued for the last few days, we decided to go our separate ways. She sent me a text message, saying that it's all down to her education, and that she considers that her future (she's looking to head into politics), and that she can't handle this right now or for the foreseeable future. She said that she still loves me, and a part of her always will, and that she'll never forget me because I've given her so many amazing memories, 'we'll maybe cross paths again some day, who knows?' and that was that. She told me to delete her number, her pictures, memories, everything, and I told her to do the same, which she claimed she did. This morning though I got two texts from her asking to let her know if I was okay (due to my suicidal and self-harm history). I haven't replied, because quite frankly I'm not. The thing is too, we never once had sex. Yep, I'm still a 23 year old virgin. It was my first ever relationship. Whilst we done certain stuff sexually, we never did the proper deed. I've been considering self-harm again. I just don't see any reason to carry on. I have nothing in my life. I was planning on moving to Scotland in about 2 years, that was my aim. Now it's gone. I have no aim, no friends, no future, no life. I don't know what to do. I have a crappy 22 an hour week retail job, and that's it. The pain is very big right now. I've been up the whole night crying my eyes out, not knowing what to do next. Hell, I don't even know if this is a 'cry for attention' thread, I guess I just needed somewhere to vent. Last night I actually considered planning out a suicide attempt. I haven't done in a while, mainly because she kept me together. Considering I don't drink alcohol (just not my thing), I'm a friendless loner, and have specific interests that are probably out of the norm, I don't see myself ever having anyone else. I'm a mess right now, and don't know if I can carry on. I'm just so alone. Not even listening to Oasis feels the same anymore. Sorry to see you are feeling this way again mate. Splitting up with someone you love is tough, I fell for my best friend when I was about 18 and the feeling wasn't mutual. It hurt a fair bit for a while but it did fade and it did teach me a lot about how I approached things in the future, this is the worst bit but it will get better. The sex stuff is irrelevant, its a social pressure that's ultimately meaningless. Its built up to be a coming of age event like there is some sort of inherent change in your character or outlook on life, there isn't and its not something worth stressing to much about. The important thing is that you have made that connection with someone once, you can do it again. Having spent a couple of days in your company I can say that you are an affable, engaging, eloquent and kind hearted lad. It will be horrible now but it won't last. You're young, there is plenty of time for new aims and new ambitions. Come to London soon and we'll go out for a beer or two. Oh and don't blaspheme about Oasis Play Some Might Say really loud.
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Post by Hazed on Mar 14, 2018 11:55:03 GMT -5
hey man if you ever need someone to talk to just inbox me and ill do my best to help. i'm 20 so we're around the same age and i've been dealing with a lot of depression and anxiety myself for years. went through my first proper heartbreak last year so i can totally understand how shit it feels.
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Post by matt on Mar 16, 2018 21:36:23 GMT -5
Personally, the more physically healthy I became, the more mentally sound I became too. I don't run for the physical benefits at all, I don't watch my weight or anything like that, it's purely for the good feeling I get from it. It's a life changer for me, and this is coming from the most naturally lazy person on the face of the earth and who desperately struggles to get out of bed in the morning. I fight with myself to get out the door and run, I really really really don't want to do it but once it becomes a habit, the 'reward system' becomes all the more familiar and you want that 'fix' of adrenaline.
But being more general, do seek comfort and solace in the wise words of those above, and don't be oblivious to the strength of feeling towards you! The worst thing about suicidal tendencies is that, to the victim of such thoughts, it is entirely rational. Don't fall victim to that way of thinking - it is 110% completely irrational.
And balls to societal expectations and social pressure as tom says - if we had to conform we'd all be listening to Ed Sheeran, and that would be disastrous.
Take care mate, and know that you have the power to make things better.
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Post by mimmihopps on Mar 17, 2018 4:44:15 GMT -5
Hope you're doing alright, Luke. Let us hear your voice. Take care.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 17, 2018 16:25:59 GMT -5
Heeeeavy sad to read so many of you guys suffer or have suffered with these types of things. Ano it's always good for everyone to see you're not alone, but nobody deserves to be debilitated by depression and anxiety. I say it pure all the time, but honest to god absolutely anyone on here can message me or plenty other people. Along with my own pish, a lot of the people I work with have suicidal tendencies so I pure mean it when I say nothing is off limits, problems big or small. I will understand, I will listen and I will care ok. Take care of yourselves troops and give yourselves a wee break
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Post by jxing on Mar 17, 2018 19:32:23 GMT -5
i hope you're doing well. As others have said, I've been there. I'll spare ya the details but if you want to read then you go here... jenniferlessons.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-survived.html?m=1I'm 37 and I've been experienced more heartache and pain than most 90 year olds. I did attempt suicide and spent time in a hospital and as unfortunate as it was, it saved me. I saw other's that had been in numerous times and I realized that I didn't want that... I came out of there with determination and strength that I never knew I had. Yes, I still suffer but I have the tools to cope and I have developed incredible friendships with people of all ages that are so completely understanding of my depression and my other illnesses, but it took a long time & hardwork to make & find those friendships. I definitely don't have the "perfect" life (who does).. I'm single, live and take care of my parents, my health is horrible and I can't work or afford my medications so I'm on disability, and I definitely don't look like I wish I did but I'm happy. I'm actually getting my health conditions under control and even considering adopting a child with hemophilia ( I have it and my brother did but died). It's hard, very hard but it will get easier and there are days, week's that will go by that you won't even remember the darkness. There is a light at the end, so please don't give up. And you do have people that care about you, you can pm me anytime for anything.
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Post by dyinglight94 on Mar 17, 2018 19:43:19 GMT -5
Well, you can guess by me typing this that I haven't went through with anything. Not yet, anyway. Loads of this posts have touched my heart dearly, and I've cried reading loads of them. I'm just not in a good place, and I don't see how it's going to improve. Anyways, bit of an update:
The girl messaged me for a few days there, wanting to know if I was alright, and still wanting me to come over to Scotland. She said she still thinks we could stand a chance someday. Well, after talking to her there for a few days, a bit of truth came out. Turns out she's been seeing the guy, and admitted that they had kissed. I've blocked her, blocked her number, and that's it. I don't think I could deal with anymore. I broke down and told my mum about the whole stuff, including what I'm typing next. I've been self-harming myself through razorblades and burning myself for a few days now. I also haven't been eating (lost 11 pounds in weight in 3 days), and I haven't been sleeping either. I just can't get her out of my head, and alongside that, my life is a mess. I'm just very alone. Me and my brother are planning on doing more things together though. I've removed all social media (not that I had many on it anyway due to being friendless), and basically have no reason to own a phone which I'm paying £40 a month for. I've started driving lessons though. Pretty terrifying, but I guess it gives me something to do.
This just hurts a lot. Some part of me is still planning suicide, and my mum freaked out at that, and is booking me an appointment with the doctor right away. Not even a high dosage of antidepressants are taking any heat out. I don't know what to do. I'm up here, watching old episodes of game shows, in a state of tiredness, yet can't sleep. Because I can't get this out of my head. I can't do life anymore, not that I have one anyway. Thanks for everything though. You guys are literally amazing, and you all don't know how much you're worth and actually mean to me, especially Tom who I'm gutted I haven't heard from for a bit.
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Post by janedoe on Mar 17, 2018 19:53:58 GMT -5
That's a tough read. Thank you for sharing it. You are brave.
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Post by mimmihopps on Mar 18, 2018 4:58:24 GMT -5
Well, you can guess by me typing this that I haven't went through with anything. Not yet, anyway. Loads of this posts have touched my heart dearly, and I've cried reading loads of them. I'm just not in a good place, and I don't see how it's going to improve. Anyways, bit of an update: The girl messaged me for a few days there, wanting to know if I was alright, and still wanting me to come over to Scotland. She said she still thinks we could stand a chance someday. Well, after talking to her there for a few days, a bit of truth came out. Turns out she's been seeing the guy, and admitted that they had kissed. I've blocked her, blocked her number, and that's it. I don't think I could deal with anymore. I broke down and told my mum about the whole stuff, including what I'm typing next. I've been self-harming myself through razorblades and burning myself for a few days now. I also haven't been eating (lost 11 pounds in weight in 3 days), and I haven't been sleeping either. I just can't get her out of my head, and alongside that, my life is a mess. I'm just very alone. Me and my brother are planning on doing more things together though. I've removed all social media (not that I had many on it anyway due to being friendless), and basically have no reason to own a phone which I'm paying £40 a month for. I've started driving lessons though. Pretty terrifying, but I guess it gives me something to do. This just hurts a lot. Some part of me is still planning suicide, and my mum freaked out at that, and is booking me an appointment with the doctor right away. Not even a high dosage of antidepressants are taking any heat out. I don't know what to do. I'm up here, watching old episodes of game shows, in a state of tiredness, yet can't sleep. Because I can't get this out of my head. I can't do life anymore, not that I have one anyway. Thanks for everything though. You guys are literally amazing, and you all don't know how much you're worth and actually mean to me, especially Tom who I'm gutted I haven't heard from for a bit. Thanks for letting us hear how you're doing, Luke. First thing, please please stop harming yourself. Reading that makes me really sad. Try to think, even for a second how your mum must be feeling and worrying about you. Maybe you and that girl stay friends, maybe you and she can built a new relationship in the future. Don't give up your life. Everybody deserves their life. Please cherish your life. Don't be gutted about tomlivesforever. He was the one who contacted you in person and travelled all the way down to Ireland to meet you up. Ask Tom how he's doing, ask if he's been to any gigs lately, talk this and that. It's good that you started the driving lessons. Look at yourself, you'll be able to drive a car soon which even Noel Gallagher can't do! Chin up, look at the sky Luke. There's still so many things, so many people, so many places you'll do/meet/go. Remember that, life can be mess, but life is beautiful. You can laugh and forget what I just said in this post, but keep these words from a stranger on an internet forum who has a slightly more life experience in your mind. If you feel to talk about everything, we are all here. Take care, Luke and the best of the luck with the driving lessons! Sending a warm hug to you.
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