Fifty Things We’d Like To Happen This Season…But Won't


1) Linesmen (sorry, assistant referees) to consistently give the attacking side the benefit of the doubt.

2) David Bellion to confirm that no, he has no idea what he's doing at ManYoo either.

3) David James to play up front for Man Citeh on a regular basis.

4) Kanu to 'better' his miss from last season.

5) All newspapers to outlaw the 'No way, Jose' headline (and all its variations).

6) Cesc Fabregas to re-grow that mullet.

7) A Shaun Custis EXCLUSIVE in The Sun to be either an exclusive or accurately prophetic. Based on previous evidence, expecting both would be wholly unreasonable.

8) David Beckham to stick with one single haircut.

9) Thierry Henry to smile or at least appear vaguely happy when he scores a goal.

10) The words 'Jonathan Woodgate' and 'injured' not to be joined at the hip – this should not be a cue for Woodgate to injure his pesky hip.

11) Sven-Goran Eriksson to say something vaguely interesting or enlightening after an England match.

12) Sky Sports to pick a Liverpool player other than Jamie Carragher and/or Stevie Gerrard for a post-match interview. We're sure other players speak better English.

13) Wayne Rooney to stop swearing.

14) Ruud van Nistelrooy to score a goal from further out than 18 yards.

15) Edwin van der Saar to make saves only with his hands.

16) The BBC to make a formal apology for employing Peter Schmeichel and vowing never to do it again.

17) Malcolm Glazer to do a Michael Knighton and appear on the Old Trafford pitch before the first match of the season, ball-juggling and giving it large in front of the Stretford End.

18) Cock Jol to be given at job at Spurs.

19) Graeme Souness to announce after a defeat: "Fair play. We were beaten by the better team."

20) Graeme Souness to announce after a victory: "We owe it all to Lady Luck and the referee."

21) Gilberto Silva to pass the ball forward, occasionally accurately.

22) Something interesting to happen at Fulham FC.

23) Sir Alex Ferguson to fulfil all his post-match obligations to the press (and not just MUTV). Even when ManYoo lose.

24) The words 'Kleberson' and 'World Cup winner' not to be found ascloseasthat.

25) Robbie Keane to play well for his club and not just his country. And then add something new to that celebration.

26) Martin Tyler to be restored to the role of full-time Sky Sports commentator.

27) Dean Kiely to have dental surgery.

28) The FA and Premier League to ban the use of gloves. Or, in Ryan Giggs' case, tights. It's just not right.

29) The Sun not to publish a photo of Coleen out shopping for the duration of at least one week.

30) Paul Merson to confess he's addicted to interviews.

31) Ian Ridley to confess he’s addicted to Tony Adams.

32) The new Wembley to be completed on time and on budget.

33) To end the impression that we are being short-changed of entertainment, all fights to take place out on the pitch in front of the fans rather than in the tunnel.

34) Mark Hughes and all Blackburn apologists not to accuse the soft London media of bias following a public outcry at Bellamy/Savage/Dickov/Todd decapitating a member of the opposing team.

35) Jose to publish on the internet all the notes he makes during matches.

36) All the text messages sent by David O’Leary in the past three years also to be published on the internet.

37) Alan Shearer to unveil a new celebration.

38) Roy Keane to grow an afro.

39) Tony Adams to speak up. And then say something that doesn't involve Wayne Rooney being dropped by England.

40) Rio Ferdinand to admit that, on second thoughts, £100k a week is an obscenely large amount of money and he has absolutely no idea how he could ever contemplate turning it down.

41) Only very, very good players to wear coloured boots.

42) All footballers who have a newspaper column to jettison their ghost writers and write their own words themselves.

43) Sir Alex Ferguson to spontaneously combust upon being informed that Old Trafford had run out of red wine.

44) Sky Sports to publish the viewing figures of all their PPTV matches so we can find out how many mugs voluntarily gave up £9.99 in order to watch 90 minutes of Birmingham v Bolton.

45) Eric Djemba-Djemba to confirm the long-standing suspicion that he is Ali Dia's long-lost half-brother.

46) The catchphrase 'Jay-Jay Okocha: So good they named him twice' to be officially dropped on account of Djemba-Djemba's existence.

47) Emile Heskey to form Vertically-Challenged Anonymous.

48) Nancy D'whateverhernameis not to be given a plum seat in the director's box for a sold-out match on the grounds that she is the England coach’s occasional squeeze.

49) Paul Sturrock to mark his return to Southampton with Sheffield Wednesday by sitting in the visitors' dug-out and eating a large bacon and egg sandwich throughout the 90 minutes.

50) Lee Bowyer to do as he said and die for Newcastle.