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Post by janedoe on Nov 9, 2017 2:18:18 GMT -5
I’m certainly staying. 10 patients max, which is fucking tiny (the other facility is 5x bigger!). And on our outing to Target on Saturday, this place bought me a soccer ball without my asking as they know I love the sport. I’m not used to such kindness coming off the utter shit I went through at the last place. It’s nice to be seen and treated as an individual and not a fucking number. That's very thoughtful of the facility staff.
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Post by mimmihopps on Nov 9, 2017 2:33:59 GMT -5
I’m certainly staying. 10 patients max, which is fucking tiny (the other facility is 5x bigger!). And on our outing to Target on Saturday, this place bought me a soccer ball without my asking as they know I love the sport. I’m not used to such kindness coming off the utter shit I went through at the last place. It’s nice to be seen and treated as an individual and not a fucking number. We're born alone and We die alone, but We can't live all alone. In our life time We're connected with so many people. Some of them become completely strangers by time being and "leave" from our life history, but some others remain all the time. They'll always be there in our good, but also in bad times.
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 10, 2017 10:24:11 GMT -5
My parents decided that they will renew my private health insurance in January....So grateful for this turnaround, I atually really wasn't expecting it. guigsysEstring
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Post by guigsysEstring on Nov 10, 2017 12:05:35 GMT -5
My parents decided that they will renew my private health insurance in January....So grateful for this turnaround, I atually really wasn't expecting it. guigsysEstring Nigel, That's fantastic news mate, very pleased for you! I think it goes back to what we talked about when you had your earlier confrontation/falling out/words (however you would prefer to describe it) with them, and the idea that they were trying 'tough love' in an attempt to motivate you to take control of your life. You have done this and proved that despite ill health you were capable of organising yourself when it really mattered to arrange care, find accommodation and put yourself out for work when it seemed like there was no other option. Your parents do care about you and you can be proud of what you achieved to get to this point from only September this year when things seemed to be at their lowest. Keep fighting mate and onwards and upwards! Best, Guigs
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 11, 2017 21:56:00 GMT -5
Omg I can't do this. I don't know if I need a more intensive level. Holy shit I'm almost in panic mode right now. Fuck, everything is just too much right now.
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Post by jxing on Nov 12, 2017 0:57:21 GMT -5
Omg I can't do this. I don't know if I need a more intensive level. Holy shit I'm almost in panic mode right now. Fuck, everything is just too much right now. Yes, you can because you are already doing it! You got this!
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Post by guigsysEstring on Nov 12, 2017 1:05:50 GMT -5
Omg I can't do this. I don't know if I need a more intensive level. Holy shit I'm almost in panic mode right now. Fuck, everything is just too much right now. Nigel, You can do this and you have already proved you can live through worse situations- I assume at this point you are talking about your treatment BTW. This is possibly the best opportunity you will have to beat your illness by being at a small facility that can give you specialist care, and with the financial aspect taken care of I presume by your family agreeing to renew your insurance policy for the coming year. I know you will have doubts and stress brought on by an illness that I won't pretend I understand the mental anguish of, but I am saying if you leave where you are now you run the real risk of losing your place in treatment, support from your family and TBH I don't know where you would go from there in your fight against such a horrible illness. If I have gone on like a patronising twat mate then I apologise, but as always feel free to tag or pm me if you need a sounding board. Best, Guigs
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Post by bringmethemonkey on Nov 12, 2017 1:46:21 GMT -5
Omg I can't do this. I don't know if I need a more intensive level. Holy shit I'm almost in panic mode right now. Fuck, everything is just too much right now. hang in there Nigel xx
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 13, 2017 12:01:42 GMT -5
Omg I can't do this. I don't know if I need a more intensive level. Holy shit I'm almost in panic mode right now. Fuck, everything is just too much right now. Nigel, You can do this and you have already proved you can live through worse situations- I assume at this point you are talking about your treatment BTW. This is possibly the best opportunity you will have to beat your illness by being at a small facility that can give you specialist care, and with the financial aspect taken care of I presume by your family agreeing to renew your insurance policy for the coming year. I know you will have doubts and stress brought on by an illness that I won't pretend I understand the mental anguish of, but I am saying if you leave where you are now you run the real risk of losing your place in treatment, support from your family and TBH I don't know where you would go from there in your fight against such a horrible illness. If I have gone on like a patronising twat mate then I apologise, but as always feel free to tag or pm me if you need a sounding board. Best, Guigs I didn’t have a medication for the last 3 Days. Because I have a history of substance abuse, I don’t get the ‘good’ (read: effective) medication. But this one works so fuckong well for my anxiety, regardless. So when I don’t have it for multiple days, not only is my anxiety out of fucking control but I go into what feels like immense physical and mental withdrawals. It’s fucking hell. But I took it again last night before bed, and actually slept through the night (which is summat I haven’t done in months), and am feeling better this morning. That being said, I know how treatment goes: it’s a DAILY rollercoaster. One minute you can be feeling pretty decent, and then an hour later you feel crushing depression and hopelessness. I need to get out of this cycle - treatment used to be a really safe place, but now it’s so fucking old.
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 14, 2017 17:57:52 GMT -5
This morning, we wrote words on plates and then went outside and smashed them. The word I wrote on my plate was that of my previous treatment center. It was the most satisfying thing I’ve done in months. Fuck you, previous treatment center.
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 14, 2017 18:08:01 GMT -5
I’m going to say that right now: With every passing day, I feel exponentially guilty about the GoFundMe campaign. But I really was staring into the abyss of a real crisis at the time that I felt like I absolutely had to do it. I’m so grateful for all the help and encouraging words I received, and it truly has helped as I’m now almost 2 weeks into this current treatment center. My intention, when I get well, is to find a stranger’s GoFundMe that resonates with me and provide a donation and equally kind words, just as so many have done for me. I truly believe that we all need to help each other, and we all need to give back and do our part - that’s what makes the world function. But yeah, man.....the guilt is so strong right now. 😞 guigsysEstring
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Post by Deleted on Nov 14, 2017 18:27:58 GMT -5
Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t force anyone or steal their money. Donations were made of own free will. Keep going buddy.
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Post by guigsysEstring on Nov 14, 2017 18:40:00 GMT -5
I’m going to say that right now: With every passing day, I feel exponentially guilty about the GoFundMe campaign. But I really was staring into the abyss of a real crisis at the time that I felt like I absolutely had to do it. I’m so grateful for all the help and encouraging words I received, and it truly has helped as I’m now almost 2 weeks into this current treatment center. My intention, when I get well, is to find a stranger’s GoFundMe that resonates with me and provide a donation and equally kind words, just as so many have done for me. I truly believe that we all need to help each other, and we all need to give back and do our part - that’s what makes the world function. But yeah, man.....the guilt is so strong right now. 😞 guigsysEstring Nigel, In fairness to you at the time you made that campaign you were living on what little was left in your bank in a hotel room, alone without your family, and facing the real possibility of essentially being a combination of homeless, skint and with an untreated medical condition that in those circumstances could well have proved fatal. You had no way of knowing that your family would step back in to assist you given your last conversation with them before that news, and I do wonder how much you attempting to organise your own care including the GoFundMe campaign played a part in their decision to do so. Your intention to fund someone in similar circumstances is admirable and goes back to the spirit of community, in the sense that we are not merely 'consumers' or 'citizens' in the political sense but people who can be there not only for our families and friends but also strangers who need help too- the advent of digital communications has made the latter even easier to do so as you have seen Guilt should not be applicable in this case mate as you were not out to deceive or gain financial support through false claims-instead look at the positive in that you made a desperate cry for help and it was answered by people you knew, and also by strangers. You have had the uplifting feeling of human compassion, and in genuine circumstances such as yours this is no bad thing. Keep on with your treatment and acknowledge the support you have had by carrying out your words to pass on such support to others when you are well enough to involve yourself in such matters Keep on keeping on mate, Guigs
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2017 9:37:18 GMT -5
ben, you have absolutely NOTHING to be ashamed of. i think i can speak for 100% of the other l4e members who have posted in this thread, when i say we all very much want you to get well, and be happy and healthy. you deserve it.
i will say to you what a very wise and intelligent (and famous) man once said to a sick friend of mine... 'never capitulate, you will win the war.' that was a couple of years ago, and that i am happy to report that friend is still with us and fighting the good fight, btw.
but back to you... if you were going to fold, you would have folded by now. but you haven't, you're still here, still fighting. trust me on this, keep on going.
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 16, 2017 13:14:45 GMT -5
I convinced my therapist today to drop me down a level of care - from Residential to PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). I’m still at the same facility but now have more freedom and responsibilities - Instead of being done at 9.30pm, I’m now done at 7.30pm and I do night snack on my own. I also start programming at 9.30am instead of 8am and I do breakfast on my own.....eventually I’ll titrate down with days and have full days off. Oh and no more fucking bathroom monitoring! I also convinced my therapist that I would ideally be discharged around Xmas. I want to expidite this treatment - which is something I have never said because I normally just want to extend my time as much as possible. My therapist is liking my enthusiasm with this. And if I’m struggling with this new found freedom, then the support is there to help me further etc. Family session on Saturday afternoon - our first one at this new treatment center - will be tough because I need to know where they stand on discharge planning concerns. This is progress, right here, right now, this is progress. guigsysEstring
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Post by guigsysEstring on Nov 16, 2017 14:09:22 GMT -5
I convinced my therapist today to drop me down a level of care - from Residential to PHP (Partial Hospitalization Program). I’m still at the same facility but now have more freedom and responsibilities - Instead of being done at 9.30pm, I’m now done at 7.30pm and I do night snack on my own. I also start programming at 9.30am instead of 8am and I do breakfast on my own.....eventually I’ll titrate down with days and have full days off. Oh and no more fucking bathroom monitoring! I also convinced my therapist that I would ideally be discharged around Xmas. I want to expidite this treatment - which is something I have never said because I normally just want to extend my time as much as possible. My therapist is liking my enthusiasm with this. And if I’m struggling with this new found freedom, then the support is there to help me further etc. Family session on Saturday afternoon - our first one at this new treatment center - will be tough because I need to know where they stand on discharge planning concerns. This is progress, right here, right now, this is progress. guigsysEstring Nigel, I am pleased that at present things seem to be on the up for you, and this particular treatment centre does appear to be a good fit for you. I hope that you and your family can come together from this session with a positive feeling regarding your potential discharge, and also with some certain plans of what will follow should this happen, i.e. accommodation, support and your own ambitions for the future. You have come a long way since we first started exchanging messages about the various aspects of your illness and medical care, and I hope you continue down this path to a brighter, healthier future pursuing new ambitions and goals in life Best as always mate, Guigs
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 17, 2017 21:15:35 GMT -5
I have never uttered this sentence before, but I’m so fucking tired of treatment.
2017 belonged to the Gallagher brothers (Noel and Liam, respectively). But 2018 belongs to Nigel.
#makenigelgreatagain
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Post by mystoryisgory on Nov 17, 2017 21:46:51 GMT -5
I have never uttered this sentence before, but I’m so fucking tired of treatment. 2017 belonged to the Gallagher brothers (Noel and Liam, respectively). But 2018 belongs to Nigel. #makenigelgreatagain You're gonna do it man!! Fuck anorexia, that motherfucker's goin' down when Nigel comes to town!!
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Post by Deleted on Nov 18, 2017 10:43:31 GMT -5
I have never uttered this sentence before, but I’m so fucking tired of treatment. 2017 belonged to the Gallagher brothers (Noel and Liam, respectively). But 2018 belongs to Nigel. #makenigelgreatagain You’re tired of it coz you’re coming out the other side buddy. You’ve put the time in, you’re beating this and you’re not letting go. March on.
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 19, 2017 11:54:22 GMT -5
Well the family phone session was another explosive encounter. All I needed from them was to stay at their house for no more than 2 weeks once I’m discharged from treatment so I could house hunt. Nothing too unreasonable. But all they did was put me in trial, attacking me, and putting me on the defensive. After yelling, I hung up the phone. So now I am forced to stay local - in San Francisco, a city I know nothing about and a city that is fucking expensive comparable to NYC. All they do is manipulate and control me. They don’t listen to me, they don’t hear me. They are beyond toxic. Fuck this shit. 😡🖕 guigsysEstring
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Post by glider on Nov 19, 2017 11:57:50 GMT -5
Well the family phone session was another explosive encounter. All I needed from them was to stay at their house for no more than 2 weeks once I’m discharged from treatment so I could house hunt. Nothing too unreasonable. But all they did was put me in trial, attacking me, and putting me on the defensive. After yelling, I hung up the phone. So now I am forced to stay local - in San Francisco, a city I know nothing about and a city that is fucking expensive comparable to NYC. All they do is manipulate and control me. They don’t listen to me, they don’t hear me. They are beyond toxic. Fuck this shit. 😡🖕 guigsysEstringIs there anyone in your family that is willing to speak with you? Any friends at all?
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Post by guigsysEstring on Nov 19, 2017 12:15:51 GMT -5
Well the family phone session was another explosive encounter. All I needed from them was to stay at their house for no more than 2 weeks once I’m discharged from treatment so I could house hunt. Nothing too unreasonable. But all they did was put me in trial, attacking me, and putting me on the defensive. After yelling, I hung up the phone. So now I am forced to stay local - in San Francisco, a city I know nothing about and a city that is fucking expensive comparable to NYC. All they do is manipulate and control me. They don’t listen to me, they don’t hear me. They are beyond toxic. Fuck this shit. 😡🖕 guigsysEstring Nigel, I won't comment on your family behaviour wise vs you since I don't know them but will try to be constructive in my reply. Firstly could a compromise be reached where they or a family member lend you for a local (NYC) hotel room for the two weeks- nothing overly expensive but somewhere like a budget type that puts you reasonably back in the neighbourhood while you sort things out? As to your relations with your family perhaps the arms length approach may be best for all parties for the present, especially if you can find help for the aforementioned idea from elsewhere. Had you given any thought to income during and after the initial two weeks, given that IIRC your savings were depleted and I don't know if you have any other source of money? Give me a PM if you want to discuss anything too personal in threads if you like mate, and I hope it works out. Stay positive, you are still beating your illness and on your own terms Best as always, Guigs
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Post by Deleted on Nov 19, 2017 12:57:39 GMT -5
What you need to know is that as well as you, and by no means equally, your family have undoubtedly been through hell too with this terrifying condition. They too need to find a way to get through this the best way they can, there is no instruction book and they too are scared. This shit affects all of you, just like cancer. Love and hope to you and them x
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Post by Beady’s Here Now on Nov 19, 2017 23:45:00 GMT -5
Well the family phone session was another explosive encounter. All I needed from them was to stay at their house for no more than 2 weeks once I’m discharged from treatment so I could house hunt. Nothing too unreasonable. But all they did was put me in trial, attacking me, and putting me on the defensive. After yelling, I hung up the phone. So now I am forced to stay local - in San Francisco, a city I know nothing about and a city that is fucking expensive comparable to NYC. All they do is manipulate and control me. They don’t listen to me, they don’t hear me. They are beyond toxic. Fuck this shit. 😡🖕 guigsysEstring Nigel, I won't comment on your family behaviour wise vs you since I don't know them but will try to be constructive in my reply. Firstly could a compromise be reached where they or a family member lend you for a local (NYC) hotel room for the two weeks- nothing overly expensive but somewhere like a budget type that puts you reasonably back in the neighbourhood while you sort things out? As to your relations with your family perhaps the arms length approach may be best for all parties for the present, especially if you can find help for the aforementioned idea from elsewhere. Had you given any thought to income during and after the initial two weeks, given that IIRC your savings were depleted and I don't know if you have any other source of money? Give me a PM if you want to discuss anything too personal in threads if you like mate, and I hope it works out. Stay positive, you are still beating your illness and on your own terms Best as always, Guigs It just means I am now working on a Plan C. It gets ridiculous when they are so blinded by their own biases that they can't even see all my improvements. So when I come up with healthy discharge plans that require very little in return from them, that I get blocked - it's a very dangerous precedent. I'm now toying with the idea of doing Intensive Outpatient within the same facility. They have a few location options around the San Francisco area in order for me to do this continuum of care, which is nice. It will also help build things more gradually than what I was originally planning on doing. At the other facility I was at, my therapist kept reminding me of my internal resources, harping on that no one can take away my intelligence. And she's right. So far, I've had to adapt my plans and this is just a continuation of that. But my pessimism says: I'm only one person. I have limited resources. And eventually my luck and ability to find a solution will eventually run out.....And that's where the panic comes from. But, as always, just keep moving forward. INNIT. ~Nigel
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Post by guigsysEstring on Nov 20, 2017 8:36:45 GMT -5
It just means I am now working on a Plan C. It gets ridiculous when they are so blinded by their own biases that they can't even see all my improvements. So when I come up with healthy discharge plans that require very little in return from them, that I get blocked - it's a very dangerous precedent. I'm now toying with the idea of doing Intensive Outpatient within the same facility. They have a few location options around the San Francisco area in order for me to do this continuum of care, which is nice. It will also help build things more gradually than what I was originally planning on doing. At the other facility I was at, my therapist kept reminding me of my internal resources, harping on that no one can take away my intelligence. And she's right. So far, I've had to adapt my plans and this is just a continuation of that. But my pessimism says: I'm only one person. I have limited resources. And eventually my luck and ability to find a solution will eventually run out.....And that's where the panic comes from. But, as always, just keep moving forward. INNIT. ~Nigel I can appreciate that it must be frustrating but the fact that you are making improvements and are working on plan C as opposed to falling into a despairing state is cause for a positive feeling. Perhaps you can reconcile better when you are at the end of your treatment and living your life how you want to, at a time when old biases or prejudices will no longer be relevant to that period. I know little of the kind of treatment you are going through or the option you are considering, but it sounds a good step in the circumstances in as much as you will be able to continue progressing back towards good health and independence whilst maintaining a strong support base to help you through the inevitable difficult times. Your former therapist is correct I would say becauseas has been discussed before you have continued even in moments of anger or depression during your illness to formulate plans, work on ideas, etc. to combat your illness and improve your life in general. You are only one man but there is always a way forward, even if it is perhaps at times not the route we would prefer to take. You have proven before that you can keep moving, and with that last sentence "as always, just keep moving forward" I hope that you continue to do so for your future and happiness. Best, Guigs
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