I genuinely thought you'd offed yourself, youandmegirl.

We live in hope.

But... but... no-one's allowed to say anyfink bad about Lium Gallugher. That's not how it werks.

Is @epiphone100 a magician?..

I've literally seen at least 5 of his posts disappear before my eyes today?

I deleted that one because I couldn't be bothered getting into it with someone else.

I am also a magician.

according to Virgin Media blogger Matthew Horton

As Beady Eye's second album BE prepares to hit the shelves, Liam Gallagher has said he'll retire from music and put his feet up if this record doesn't do the business. Would this be such a bad thing?

Oh ffs. I was just taking the piss out of this "epiphone100" person. I don't know what Noel got up to
in his yoof. NGHFB's sounds like Coldplay. That's all you need to know.

according to Virgin Media blogger Matthew Horton

As Beady Eye's second album BE prepares to hit the shelves, Liam Gallagher has said he'll retire from music and put his feet up if this record doesn't do the business. Would this be such a bad thing?

It could just be big talk from Gallagher Junior – Lord knows he's got the pedigree – but there's little doubt he's up against it. Reputation only gets you so far and it's starting to look as if the public isn't coming with him. In short, a sales disaster for BE, followed by Liam hanging up his mic, could turn out to be a blessing in disguise. Here are five reasons why.

No one likes Beady Eye
It sounds harsh, but it's basically true. Liam's amazing new band (Oasis without Noel, let's face it) have not even managed to bag a top 30 single in four attempts. And 2011 debut album Different Gear, Still Speeding barely racked up two months on the chart. Apart from the deranged Oasis hardcore, no one is buying these seismic rock'n'roll landmarks.

Liam's more about the antics than the music
It doesn't help that no one talks about the music anyway, except to scoff openly on first listen. No, people are way more interested in what Liam gets up to when he's had the odd sherry or two. He should just ditch Beady Eye and get on with the more important business of nicking Idris Elba's hat and being beastly about Mumford & Sons.

Even Oasis had been a busted flush for 10 years
And don't dare try to deny it. In fact, there's an increasingly vociferous school of thought that reckons Oasis lost it much earlier, the minute hapless drummer Tony McCarroll was chucked out in 1995. Essentially, it all went wrong halfway through Some Might Say. The point is, we can get all misty-eyed and pray for an Oasis reunion to rescue Liam – but that'd be just as dreary.

MORE OF MATTHEW'S MASTERPIECE HERE