Author : Steven Wells

Let me lay my cards on the table straight away and admit that I was born in Swindon (XTC). And grew up in Bradford (Smokie. Kiki Dee, New Model Army and Southern Death Cult). Because I come not to praise Manchester but to shit on it.

Lancashire is so much cooler than Yorkshire. They've got Liverpool and Manchester. We've got Heckmondwyke and Leeds. Mancs and Scousers are super-cool northern cockneys with groovy haircuts, fab gear clothes and that cocky insouciance that comes only from knowing that you live in the coolest fucking city on the entire fucking planet.

While Yorkshiremen have only a massive inferiority complex. OK, so I've admitted it. Happy? Good. Because now I can get on with stating that Manchester is the shittest thing that EVER happened to British pop music. And how we'd all be so much better off (in pop terms) if the entire city had been blasted off the face of the planet during the Cuban missile crisis of 1963.

GOOD MANC ACTS

The Buzzcocks
The Fall
John The Postman
John Cooper Clarke
Happy Mondays
Gracie Fields
George Formby
The Bee Gees
Inspiral Carpets
Oasis (people call them the new Status Quo - like that's some sort of criticism)
10CC
Take That
Herman's Hermits (a '60s version of Travis - only good)
M People
Lisa Stansfield
Wayne Fontana & The Mindbenders
Freddie And The Dreamers
Magazine
Elkie Brooks
Peter Skelern
The Halle Orchestra
Frank Sidebottom
Tony Wilson

MANC ABOMINATIONS IN THE EYES OF THE LORD

The Smiths
Morrissey
Simply Red
Joy Division (2 good songs, a nazi fetish and a dead singer)
New Order (Wham! for students)
The Stone Roses (if only for Ian Brown's "singing")
Ian Brown (AIEEEEEEEEEE!)
Happy Mondays (yes, I know, consistency is the hallmark of a dill etc)
The Verve
Richard Ashcroft (arrogant AND shite - a lethal combination)
John Squire (did you hear that solo album? Jesus fucking CHRIST!)
Badly Drawn Boy (any society that idolises someone who looks like that is in serious trouble)
Alfie (plug in or fuck off)
Doves (nice blokes, mind)
The Railway Children (never heard them but with a name like that they've got to be shit)
David 'Fucking' Gray
Mike Harding
Starsailor (DIE! DIE! DIE!)
James
The Seahorses
The Hollies
The Charlatans
Barclay James Fucking Harvest (Alfie with colostomy bags)


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