obviously i used a generator here, and put in the names Feck, Dom, Lions, Caro, Tam & Eva to see what'd come out

Naturally there are so many of you i'd like to have also included, but fuck it i couldn't, so tough monkeys!

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Day 1 - Dom admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Tam. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Eva is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Lions later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Feck creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Caro hits him with the kitchen iron.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of The Royal Albert Hall out of mashed potato. After much persuasion by Feck, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the The Royal Albert Hall task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Lions, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat bastard in the house, eats half the mashed potato. Caro is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the The Royal Albert Hall task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Lions farts and blows The Royal Albert Hall over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Tam cries.

6 - Feck gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens, and Lions has a loud shit. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Tam admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with sandpaper. Dom says he never wears condoms because they make his todger sore and Feck agrees. Eva goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Lions sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Feck.

8 - Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Dom goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Caro and Tam are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Dom.

9 - Caro and Tam are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Eva sings them a song - Country House by Blur - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Tam out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Tam leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Tam's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Eva has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Caro is visibly depressed and is comforted by Feck, who tries to touch her on her boob.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Feck touching Caro's boob over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Lions refuses to run because his todger hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Lions finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Caro calls Lions a lazy fucker.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Dom tells everyone individually that he thinks Caro is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Caro and Feck are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Dom.

16 - The nominations are announced. Caro can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Feck is equally stunned and turns to Caro for comfort. Lions is distraught and confesses to Eva that he thinks he is in love with Feck. Eva says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Feck out of the house. Caro says she is gutted and even gives Feck a clipping of hair from her private place to prove how much she cares. Lions is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Feck leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Caro clipping the hair from her private place. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of Peru in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of Peru sounds like but Lions says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Dom as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Dom successfully burps not only the National Anthem of Peru but also God Save The Queen, Country House and the theme tune to Happy Days. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Dom tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Lions and Eva are nominated.

23 - Lions and Eva take their nominations well and sit down with Dom and Caro to discuss why they voted for them. Dom keeps quiet but Caro accuses Lions of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred todger before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Eva out of the house and nobody really gives a shit. Eva leaves.

25 - Dom becomes the first housemate to have a wank. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Dom's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a wanker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of tiger dung using only a set of forks. Dom is unsure but Lions is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Lions breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the tiger incident from his childhood. Caro tries to persuade him to stay but Dom sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Lions decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the tiger dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Caro from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29 - Nominations are due for the final time. Dom asks Caro to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Dom nominates Caro to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Caro.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Caro graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Dom is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Dom takes his £70,000 and runs away to Peru. Nobody, including Caro, ever sees him again.